Bodyguards and Lovers

As I listened to the episode of "Repo Games" playing in the other room, I went from amused at the complete, self-inflicted stupidity of the people on the show to absolute horror and disgust. Two women were shocked to find that their cars were being repossessed because their husbands took out loans on the vehicles, without the wives' knowledge, and failed to pay them back. These men didn't merely fail to protect their wives, they threw them under the bus to save their own skins.

While I know that there is no new thing under the sun, that men and women have been taking advantage of each other forever, and there really didn't exist a "golden age" of marriage, I long for the days of common chivalry. Whether or not we like it, women long for a protector, a hero. We want to be cherished. We crave the knowledge that our men will love us for the treasures we are. Regardless of what society tells us what liberation is, we were made to desire a protector in our husbands.

This current idea of what marriage should like is confusing to the way we were made. The cries of "Women are equal!" are both right and wrong. We are equal. We have equal value, intelligence, work ethic, and bread winning capabilities. But we are not equal. We are different. We are delicate, tender nurturers.

Ms. Steinem would have us believe that in order to be equal to a man we must be the same as them. However, if we're honest, our inner beings sob silently at what we've lost. We still daydream about our knights in shining armor. We plead with ourselves to stop seeking out that fool who's "in touch with his feminine side." We over compensate by clinging to that guy who has to be the manliest man in the room.

You know, it's quite all right to let yourself be taken care of, to have the door opened and your chair pulled out for you. It is truly liberating to be able to hand off your heavy load to stronger arms and shoulders. It is more than acceptable to admit that you want to have a human shield and to be viewed as the most beautiful woman in any given room. We can find true freedom to be who we are when we can accept that what we really want are bodyguards and lovers.

Belch Rating Guideline

When one is rating a belch there are a few basic guidelines one must adhere to. It must also be understood that in order to appropriately rate a belch it must be done by a nonpartisan party.

VOLUME This is perhaps the most important of all rating factors. One must take care in the evaluation of volume and therefore ask the following question:
Did the issuer employ his/her vocal chords in order to enhance the volume? If this is the case the issuer is to be reprimanded and points may be taken from the next 3 belches issued.
No more than 3 points may be issued for volume. However, should the volume of the belch cause dogs to howl or temporary deafness, the full 10 points shall be awarded to the issuer. The issuer shall then go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood. Selah

LONGEVITY When rating the longevity of a belch several factors must be considered. Was the belch helped along with force? If the length of the belch was assisted, points must be removed. Points may be awarded for a duration of 5 seconds or more. No more than 2 points can be awarded a belch less than 10 seconds. Should the belch last more than 30 seconds the issuer may be awarded the full 10 points. The issuer shall then go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood. Selah

STENCH This is a vital part of the rating process. Points must be awarded in moderation for mild stench. 1 point may be awarded for the mild stench that is commonly a part of the belch. It must be recognized that occasionally the stench exceeds that which naturally accompanies a belch. In these cases up to 4 points may be awarded the issuer.
If the odor causes flies to flock to the location or nose hairs to curl the full 10 points may be awarded the issuer. The issuer shall then go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood. Selah

PARTICLES This area of evaluation requires more than passive observation. One must question the issuer as to whether a belch was actually issued or if the issuer is suffering stomach ills. If the issuer has in fact vomited, there is no further need for this guideline. However, if there were simply particles the issuer may receive up to 5 points. Should the occasion arise that there are sufficient particles present that the evaluator feels 10 may be awarded, the belch must be reevaluated as vomit. There is, in this category, no possibility of attaining godhood. 

BONUS Points may be awarded for surprise effect and extreme longevity.
Should the belch be issued with no warning or from an unlikely source points may be awarded the issuer. This is category is purely subjective and there is no limit on the points one may receive.
Points for extreme longevity should be awarded only in situations where entire sentences may be completed during the belch. Again, there is no limit on the points that may be issued in this category.
One may go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood on this category alone. Selah 

Life Lessons

I met my husband at work. We sat in adjoining cubicles, passed notes, took lunch and breaks together, mocked the other employees (because we're that perfect), and just generally enjoyed our oddball friendship. I don't know why I started doing it, but I began a sticky note list of life lessons. These were all things that I felt could only improve a person's quality of existence. For that reason I will share some of them you.

Lesson #1. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Lesson #2. Eat right, exercise daily, die anyway.

Lesson #3. Never poke a sleeping bear in the eye unless you have a really long stick and can outrun the other people with you.

Lesson #4. The grass is only greener on the other side when you don't water your lawn.

Lesson #5. If life hands you lemons, set up a lemonade stand. Why not make a buck off your misery?

Lesson #6. Trying to reason with the ignorant is like speaking French to an ape... Both will just get your arms ripped off.

Lesson #7. If you make a mess, go get a broom and clean it up. Or just use the broom you rode into town on.