Bodyguards and Lovers

As I listened to the episode of "Repo Games" playing in the other room, I went from amused at the complete, self-inflicted stupidity of the people on the show to absolute horror and disgust. Two women were shocked to find that their cars were being repossessed because their husbands took out loans on the vehicles, without the wives' knowledge, and failed to pay them back. These men didn't merely fail to protect their wives, they threw them under the bus to save their own skins.

While I know that there is no new thing under the sun, that men and women have been taking advantage of each other forever, and there really didn't exist a "golden age" of marriage, I long for the days of common chivalry. Whether or not we like it, women long for a protector, a hero. We want to be cherished. We crave the knowledge that our men will love us for the treasures we are. Regardless of what society tells us what liberation is, we were made to desire a protector in our husbands.

This current idea of what marriage should like is confusing to the way we were made. The cries of "Women are equal!" are both right and wrong. We are equal. We have equal value, intelligence, work ethic, and bread winning capabilities. But we are not equal. We are different. We are delicate, tender nurturers.

Ms. Steinem would have us believe that in order to be equal to a man we must be the same as them. However, if we're honest, our inner beings sob silently at what we've lost. We still daydream about our knights in shining armor. We plead with ourselves to stop seeking out that fool who's "in touch with his feminine side." We over compensate by clinging to that guy who has to be the manliest man in the room.

You know, it's quite all right to let yourself be taken care of, to have the door opened and your chair pulled out for you. It is truly liberating to be able to hand off your heavy load to stronger arms and shoulders. It is more than acceptable to admit that you want to have a human shield and to be viewed as the most beautiful woman in any given room. We can find true freedom to be who we are when we can accept that what we really want are bodyguards and lovers.

Belch Rating Guideline

When one is rating a belch there are a few basic guidelines one must adhere to. It must also be understood that in order to appropriately rate a belch it must be done by a nonpartisan party.

VOLUME This is perhaps the most important of all rating factors. One must take care in the evaluation of volume and therefore ask the following question:
Did the issuer employ his/her vocal chords in order to enhance the volume? If this is the case the issuer is to be reprimanded and points may be taken from the next 3 belches issued.
No more than 3 points may be issued for volume. However, should the volume of the belch cause dogs to howl or temporary deafness, the full 10 points shall be awarded to the issuer. The issuer shall then go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood. Selah

LONGEVITY When rating the longevity of a belch several factors must be considered. Was the belch helped along with force? If the length of the belch was assisted, points must be removed. Points may be awarded for a duration of 5 seconds or more. No more than 2 points can be awarded a belch less than 10 seconds. Should the belch last more than 30 seconds the issuer may be awarded the full 10 points. The issuer shall then go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood. Selah

STENCH This is a vital part of the rating process. Points must be awarded in moderation for mild stench. 1 point may be awarded for the mild stench that is commonly a part of the belch. It must be recognized that occasionally the stench exceeds that which naturally accompanies a belch. In these cases up to 4 points may be awarded the issuer.
If the odor causes flies to flock to the location or nose hairs to curl the full 10 points may be awarded the issuer. The issuer shall then go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood. Selah

PARTICLES This area of evaluation requires more than passive observation. One must question the issuer as to whether a belch was actually issued or if the issuer is suffering stomach ills. If the issuer has in fact vomited, there is no further need for this guideline. However, if there were simply particles the issuer may receive up to 5 points. Should the occasion arise that there are sufficient particles present that the evaluator feels 10 may be awarded, the belch must be reevaluated as vomit. There is, in this category, no possibility of attaining godhood. 

BONUS Points may be awarded for surprise effect and extreme longevity.
Should the belch be issued with no warning or from an unlikely source points may be awarded the issuer. This is category is purely subjective and there is no limit on the points one may receive.
Points for extreme longevity should be awarded only in situations where entire sentences may be completed during the belch. Again, there is no limit on the points that may be issued in this category.
One may go down in the annals of fine belching and attain godhood on this category alone. Selah 

Life Lessons

I met my husband at work. We sat in adjoining cubicles, passed notes, took lunch and breaks together, mocked the other employees (because we're that perfect), and just generally enjoyed our oddball friendship. I don't know why I started doing it, but I began a sticky note list of life lessons. These were all things that I felt could only improve a person's quality of existence. For that reason I will share some of them you.

Lesson #1. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Lesson #2. Eat right, exercise daily, die anyway.

Lesson #3. Never poke a sleeping bear in the eye unless you have a really long stick and can outrun the other people with you.

Lesson #4. The grass is only greener on the other side when you don't water your lawn.

Lesson #5. If life hands you lemons, set up a lemonade stand. Why not make a buck off your misery?

Lesson #6. Trying to reason with the ignorant is like speaking French to an ape... Both will just get your arms ripped off.

Lesson #7. If you make a mess, go get a broom and clean it up. Or just use the broom you rode into town on.

The Body

We are referred to as the body of Christ. Head, hands, and feet to be specific. This says to me that we are to think, lead, learn, go, and do. These things require us to be active, to participate. These things bring us fully alive in Christ, in our church, in our homes, and in the world. We experience contentment, accomplishment and joy when we indulge in life as head, hand, and foot. We know this, the Bible tells us this.

Knowing all this, why are there so many who arrive at church just in time for service to begin and boogie out the door almost before the last "Amen!" is uttered? They're the ones who cringe from the sign up sheet as though you're trying to pass them an angry adder. If we know the peace that settles over us when we take on the role of head, hand, and foot, why do so many choose to be the butt?

The Gods Were Cruel

Dark chocolate covered pomegranate. Créme Brule. Nachos drowned in melted cheese, sour cream, avocado, and ground beef. Sour dough french bread with real cream butter. Peanut butter pie. Ah, the foods of the gods.

That was so very cruel of them to give us their food and keep their metabolism for themselves.

Trust issues

Not many of us lack excess baggage. We all carry these things around that are like anvils around our necks. They weigh us down, age us, make us cranky. What are they? The easy answer is worry or not taking time to relax. I think the easy answer is wrong. Of course those two things wear at us, make us tired. They're just not really the root cause. Trust is the real answer.

I was told today that if I don't quit smoking immediately it's a short trip to inhalers, then oxygen tanks. If I don't lose weight soon I'll end up on blood pressure medication and insulin. I trust the doctor. I trust that he's right. But do I trust in my ability to let go? Can I?

Can I trust my Father's promise that he will hold me up? Do I? I say I do. That's easy to say when my mind is altered into a state of contentment with nicotine. "Of course I do," I say around a mouthful of chocolate. So here begins the test. Not of my Father. He promised. And he always keeps his promises. This test is mine. Will I trust him to carry me through?

Survival

I saw the coolest thing this evening as I was walking near the irrigation canal. A hawk was hovering well above the trees, it's body vertical, wings moving back and forth maintaining it's position. Suddenly it flipped head down and dove for the trees. Before it could complete it's dive, a swarm of small black birds flew up from their hiding place among the leaves and drove the hawk back.

Several minutes later, the hawk still hadn't given up, it just shifted position. It began soaring above its prey, light belly camouflaging it in the bright sky. The smaller birds in the trees quited down, began flitting from the trees to the ground hunting and bringing back their prey to the hungry chicks in the nests they had just been so ferociously protecting. The hawk dropped from its glide in the sky, straight for the unprotected baby birds. Or so it thought. Just as it reached the highest branches the air around it turned black. The hawk shrieked and retreated into higher air.

It circled a few more times before it flew away in search of easier prey. I'd like to think that most of us are like those tiny black birds. Certainly they overrode their own sense of survival in order to protect the defenseless. Can we?